Pap Smears

First off: I don't want to get any lip from the men out there complaining that they have any sort of comparison to the feminine experience with their "turn and cough" routine. Until you have to turn and cough with a metal rod stuck up you butt, it's just not going to be the same. No offense.
Ok, on to my morning...Well, I decided to reward myself for being so responsible, so I went to get a cup of chai and a bagel first, which was great. Of course, when I showed up at the clinic I was tightly clenching what used to be a bagel with cream cheese, and it may have slightly impaired my ability to fill out the paperwork. Once they finally wrestled that out of my hands, it was time to weigh in. After looking at the scale, the nurse assured me that it runs a little heavy. Yeah, thanks.
Then Sue came in and talked to me for a little while about what tests we should run, etc, and she was really comforting. I almost slowed my heartrate back to normal. But then, up again...it was time for me to garb up.
Yes, I was sitting there on the chair in nothing but a paper gown, which is completely worthless because as soon as they put your legs in the stirrups there's absolutely no way to maintain any sense of modesty...I'm sure you all can get a fairly descriptive picture going in your minds...She also gave me a paper sheet to put over my lap, which is also of absolutely no use other than that I can't see the faces that she's making while she's digging around in my undercarriage!
Then, on to the duck lips. Those of you who have read or watched vagina monologues, you know about the cold, hard, duck lips. Yep, I've got a new appreciation! Thankfully, Sue was very helpful in explaining every step of what she was doing... "I'm going to place some lube on this spreading instrument, and then just slip it up...it's gonna feel weird, because it always feels weird when someone's messing with your under parts" Yes, she actually said that.
Ok, I'll spare some of the details, but let me move on to one important point: when they actually do the smear, they say it's gonna feel like a little pinch. But I disagree. Things that are taking place on the innermost self of your body do not feel anything like a pinch to the skin. Maybe a pinch to the kidney would have been a better explanation. It's just a weird feeling, and not at all pleasant.
Then, when I think we're finally done, she takes out the duck lips and sticks her FINGER up there so that she can feel my UTERUS!!! WITH HER FINGER!!!! She's poking around and saying, "oh, there's an ovary...there's your other one...everything feels fine!" And I'm thinking, "dear God, why was I born with a VAGINA?!!" It's rather awkward, if you think about it.
Ok, I'm gonna be done grossing everyone out now, but I just had to share--call me crazy.

They say that once you have a kid, you're so used to getting poked and prodded that you have absolutely no sense of modesty, which is why by the time you're in labor you don't care that half of america is standing at there staring at you laying spread-eagle on the bed. I say, that's just one more reason not to have kids. And now at least it's over, for another 6 months...